More Than A Memory
by tjmack1986
Summary: "She's gone." Shawn paused, turning toward Gus. His voice was emotionless, he was exhausted.


**Title: **More Than A Memory

**Summary: **"She's gone." Shawn paused, turning toward Gus. His voice was emotionless, he was exhausted.

**Beta: **None. All mistakes are my own.

**Characters: **Shawn Spencer, Burton Guster, Juliet O'Hara, Chief Karen Vick

**Disclaimer: **Yeah, yeah. I don't own Psych. I also don't own the song used in this particular story either.

**A/N: **It's been quite a while since I've written a song-fic, but this song was just BEGGING for me to write a VERY angsty Shules fic to it. Also note that this is my first time writing for Psych. Love the show, the characters, and here's hoping I do them justice! Also, please note that I love and live for reviews...constructive crit is welcome as well!

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><p>Shawn Spencer sat at his desk, staring blankly at the computer screen. The unending supply of water that had seemed to never want to end, had finally stopped leaking from his eyes. The sadness, and utter pain that had caused the tears to fall unconditionally had fallen away to anger. He was angry. Not at her, no. At himself. He <em>let<em> her go. He watched her go, and did nothing to stop it.

At first, Shawn thought the pain would last forever. He had never loved anyone the way he loved her. Never, had he ever felt his heart flutter the way it did when she would look at him. He'd never felt the giddiness that he felt when she smiled or laughed at one of his lame jokes.

Days. That's how long it taken for the pain to ebb, and slowly give over to anger. No one would tell her where she had went, or if she'd come back. He assumed that she wouldn't. Why would she? There wasn't anything for her here anymore. She had said her goodbye to Lassiter, and the Chief. She'd even said goodbye to Gus, but she couldn't muster up one final painful goodbye for him. While he couldn't force himself to be angry with her, it did hurt him to realize that all it took for her to not even care about him anymore was one mistake.

"Shawn. You need to go home."

He had been so engrossed in his own thoughts that he hadn't even heard Gus enter their office. He hadn't realized that Gus was sitting beside him, a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Shawn shook his head. Gus didn't understand the amount of utter devastation and pain that Shawn had been going through, and now all of that had channeled over into anger. She was gone, and as far as Shawn knew, she wasn't coming back.

"She's gone." Shawn paused, turning toward Gus. His voice was emotionless, he was exhausted. Physically and emotionally worn out. The tears that would have formed at those words were nowhere to be found. His eyes were dry, and he suspected that his tear ducts were dry as well. He had nothing more to give.

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><p>"I know Shawn, but you can get past this man. It'll take time, but eventually she'll be just another ex-girlfriend."<p>

Even as he spoke the words, Gus knew them to be a lie. He had known Shawn almost his whole life, and he had never seen Shawn so smitten, so in love with another girl. Not the way he was in love with Juliet. It had broken his heart to watch Shawn fall apart the way he had.

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><p>"No Gus. I won't. You don't understand...I tried..." Shawn had trailed off his sentence. He didn't want Gus to see just how desperate he was. How many times he had dialed six of the seven numbers to connect him to Juliet's phone. Then again he was nearly certain that she had probably changed her phone number.<p>

He bowed his head as he more images of his desperation crept into his mind. Like two days ago when he drove across town and parked outside her apartment building if only for a few moments. Her car was gone, the lights in her apartment were out, and he didn't expect anything less. She was gone. She had left, and yet he still couldn't grasp the concept.

_People say she's only in my head_

_It's gonna take time but I'll forget_

_They say I need to get on with my life_

_What they don't realize_

_Is when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone_

_Driving 'cross town just to see if she's home_

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><p>A month. A long, lousy month. He had heard whisperings, rumors that Juliet had returned to Santa Barbara, not for him though. Of course not. It was to testify in a few of the cases that she had worked on last. He wondered if the last testimony would cause her trouble. Trip her up. Make tears press against her beautiful eyes?<p>

He hadn't been angry at her. In fact, he liked to think that he was at peace with their break-up. That it was all for the best. During the day it was easy for him to convince himself that she had done him a favor. He was Shawn Spencer after all. He wasn't the settling down type. It wasn't until night, when he was alone and his thoughts crept back up and he was flooded with memories. Good times, bad times, and everything in between. All the times that he almost lost her, and the times that she almost lost him.

Now, however, all he felt was anger for her. The pain had ebbed a mere week after she left. Anger had flooded his soul, and it took three weeks for him to stop hating himself. He had called Gus so many times in the middle of the night. His breathing hitching with each word as he spoke once again that she was gone. That she hated him, and never wanted to see him again.

That scene, their final scene together haunted his dreams. Every night when he closed his eyes, that scene would replay itself over and over until he was finally able to wake up. The first night, he had screamed himself awake. Then again that was back when he had cried himself to sleep. Now, he just woke up in a puddle of his own sweat. Every day that passed without on acknowledgment from her, his anger at her grew. He felt no closure from their break-up. Her angry words, and the things that flew past his head had not been the closure he needed.

_Waking a friend in the dead of night_

_Just to hear him say, "It's gonna be all right"_

_When you find the things to do not to fall asleep_

_'Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams_

_That's when she's more than a memory_

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><p>Shawn sat at his kitchen table. He picked up the near empty beer bottle and guzzled down the remainder of it. A letter sitting in front of him. Lassiter had dropped it off at his apartment. A look of sympathy on his face. Shawn knew he looked like hell, but he didn't care. Since Juliet's return to Santa Barbara, he had spent more time drunk than ever in his life. Her words bit into him, and attempted to bring back the same pain that had controlled him for a week after she had left him. While he knew her words to be true, it cut him like a knife to actually know that what he felt to be the reason behind their break-up be the truth.<p>

Unable to control himself, Shawn lifted his empty beer bottle and slammed it against the wall. He watched in silence as it shattered into pieces. Picking up her letter, he ripped the pages to shreds, feeling the pain in him start to numb. He wasn't sure if it was the action of destruction, or if it was the alcohol starting to take effect.

Gus had tried to ebb his drinking, by practically moving into his apartment. The only time he left was when he had to go to work. Which nowadays was every day he was scheduled. He'd almost lost his job, when he called in a week straight to continually pick Shawn up from the bathroom floor.

While, normally Shawn would feel bad about this, he just didn't give a damn anymore. His life was in shambles and no one really offered to help him put the pieces back together. Gus was there, but he wasn't really there for him. He didn't understand what Shawn was going through, and it pissed Shawn off that he was constantly there. Always nagging at him that he was drinking far too much.

He didn't understand that if he didn't drink himself into a drunken slumber than Juliet would once again find herself into his dreams and he just couldn't take it anymore. He had lost count of how many times that Gus had woken him up, claiming that he was talking and rambling in his sleep. Gus always refused to tell him what he was talking about in his sleep, but he had overheard Gus talking to his dad.

"_**It's Juliet. It is always Juliet. I'm worried about him. Last night it sounded like he was crying while he begged her to come back, but there was no tears. He was sound asleep, and he had no memory of it when I woke him up. It's been almost two months. I knew it would take him awhile to get over her, but I don't think he is. I think he's clinging onto her... I'm afraid that part of him thinks if he clings onto her, the memory of their relationship that she'll come back."**_

**Gus had paused as he listen to his father speak before continuing. **

"**She wants nothing to do with him. He hurt her badly, and I don't think she realizes how badly he's hurting because of it."**

Since then Shawn had promised himself that he would not go to sleep until he was so drunk that he can no longer keep his eyes open.

_Took a match to everything she ever wrote_

_Watched her words go up in smoke_

_Tore all the pictures off the wall_

_But that ain't helping me at all_

_'Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there_

_You look like hell and you just don't care_

_Drinking more than you ever drank_

_Sinking down lower than you ever sank_

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><p>At exactly the two month mark Shawn had finally made a decision to go back to work. Yes, she would be there. Yes it would be awkward, and yes he would secretly be drunk, but if he didn't Gus would finally crack and Shawn was sick of hurting his best friend. He had been sober just long enough to come to this realization. If he happened to corner Juliet and make her talk to him, well so be it.<p>

He walked with as much confidence and pride as he could into the the SBPD. Juliet's back was turned to him, and he thanked his lucky stars for that. He wasn't quite ready to confront her just yet. Walking quickly, he opened the door to Chief Vick's office and strided in. He sat down in one of the chairs in front of her desk and forced a smile.

"Mr. Spencer. I was not expecting to see you."

"Yeah, well I decided self pity was a bit over rated. So. Any good cases?"

He knew that if he spoke much more she'd be onto him. He lacked his usual shine, giddiness and joke filled responses. He was also certain that if he got any closer than he was at this moment she would smell the alcohol on his breath. That was not something he needed.

"I'm sorry Mr. Spencer. We are terminating your services..."

"Because of Juliet. Yeah. I get it."

He kept his face emotionless as he stood up. Once his back was turned on the Chief, he let one single, lone tear slip down his cheek before walking toward the door.

"Shawn." At the sound of his name, he turned. He knew the jig was up, and knew that Gus had spilled the drunken beans. "We are all worried about you. Mr. Guster and I have had very long conversations about you in fact. Now. Let me finish..."

Shawn shook his head. He knew what she was going to say and he couldn't take the words. He didn't have enough alcohol in his system to deal with the pain that her words would bring. With nothing to numb the pain, it would cause him to cry again, and he refused to do that.

"No. I'm sorry Chief, but I know what your going to say. I've heard it all before. Gus, my dad. Hell even Lassiter tried to talk to me about it. I don't want to hear it."

Without another word Shawn stormed out of the Chief's office, and didn't even notice that Juliet's head had turned toward him as he streaked down the hall. The only place he would find peace and quiet to down the tiny vodka bottles he had brought with him was in the interrogation room.

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><p>Juliet followed Shawn. She had swore when he stormed out of Chief Vick's office that there were tears in his eyes. She had known that she still wasn't over their break-up. However, she was able to hide it well, but she had no idea that Shawn was still having trouble. That wasn't expected. He was a man, and from what she can gather of his past with women, he was sort of a womanizer. So why would he have so much trouble with their break-up?<p>

She watched from outside of the interrogation room as Shawn down five tiny bottle of vodka. He swayed a little on his feet, and held onto the edge of the table to keep himself upright. It was then that she noticed a tiny puddle of water started to form on the table and she realized...he was crying. Unable to take it any longer she opened the door and entered the room.

"Shawn..."

That one word was all it took. Shawn was on his knees in front of her. She could smell his breath from where he knelt. The stench was a bit overwhelming, but she tried not to focus on it. The look on his face was utter devastation. Any headway that he might have made broke in that one instant when she spoke his name.

"Jules...I'm sorry. I know that it doesn't matter. That I made a mistake, and that you hate me, but I never stopped loving you. I know it's only been two months but I can't think of anything...anyone but you!"

The sight in front of her broke her heart. Shawn was always such a strong man. Never one to really show his feelings, but then again he was never really taught how to, and yet here he was. Shell of the man he used to be, tears flowing freely down his cheeks, begging her to forgive. Yet, she couldn't do it. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't. The hurt was still to fresh, and even seeing him battered and broken in front of her, all she could see was his betrayal. It was over. It had to be.

"I'm sorry Shawn."

Steeling herself, Juliet turned away from him and walked out of the interrogation room as a couple of tears slipped down her cheeks.

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><p>After a few moments Shawn pulled himself together, and slunk out of the SBPD without seeing Juliet or Chief Vick. He put on his helmet, and started his bike. Taking on last long look at the precinct, he drove off. In that final moment with Juliet, he saw the the finalization of what had been left. It was what he needed, the closure he had been so desperately looking for. It was going to take time, and he would always love her. Part of his heart would always belong to Juliet O'Hara, but he would eventually be able to move on. He would never use the words, get over her, because he would never do that. Even with all the pain that he had been through these past couple of months, Shawn Spencer never wanted to lose the memory of their relationship.<p>

_When you find yourself falling down upon your knees_

_Praying to God and begging Him please_

_That's when she's more than a memory_

_It's gonna take time but I'll forget_


End file.
